One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.

Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via perfect)

preach brother, PREACH. step 8. fuck yeah

(via kluassholeattack)

(Source: marleestormborn, via longneckbastards)

dantes-disco-inferno:

Sometimes the jokes write themselves

(Source: drunkonstephen, via nsfwqueens)

critink:

force-recon:

nathansummers:

gif-express:

Even past all the mods, They’re still human beings.<3

heroes 

*Unemployed^

Let’s go through the list, shall we?

  • Stalking Cat was a computer programmer before he passed away earlier this year. He was Native American and trying to become closer to his totem animal. Through this, he helped pioneer all types of body modification and holds several Guinness Book Records.
  • Erik Sprague, aka Lizard Man, was a former PhD candidate. He has a bachelor’s in philosophy and is a performance artist: both through international side shows and as a music festival host.
  • Maria Jose Cristerna aka “La Mujer Vampiro”  (Vampire Woman) is the mother of four children and a fuckin’ lawyer. She started her transformation after getting out of an abusive marriage, and has talked out against domestic violence.
  • Rick Genest aka Rico The Zombie is a fucking international model, has more sponsorships than any of us could ever hope, and was featured in Lady Gaga’s Born This Way video. Not bad for a 27-year old former homeless punk, I’d say.
I’m willing to bet you haven’t accomplished nearly as much as any one of these people. They’re not only heavily tattooed, but they’re also impressive as all hell in the “employed” department. But don’t worry about it—feel free to keep trying to make yourself feel better about your average life, average body, and average accomplishments.
 
Successful, employed, intelligent, body mod legends.

(via nsfwqueens)

azbikerbabestattoos:

HILARIOUS 😂Follow @SexyandtheGeek

Where do I sign up?

azbikerbabestattoos:

HILARIOUS 😂Follow @SexyandtheGeek

Where do I sign up?

(via nsfwqueens)

goffbarbie:

prince-savvy:

getsby:

koolkidseatgreens:

Well ok Kesha, maybe it’s because you’re an auto tuned peice of shit who shouldn’t be famous, you have no Buisness being in the music industry, it’s not even your music you fuck, someone else wrote it for you to record and them to auto tune yourself. And it’s not at all good . It’s not positive either. So complain some more.

I don’t know if you know this, tumblr user koolkidseatgreens, but Ke$ha is a certified genius. She has an IQ over 140 and an SAT score of 1500. When she was younger she would go to the library and do research for fun. Ke$ha is a both feminist and an advocate for equal marriage/rights for people of any sexuality, being a queer woman herself.

Ke$ha is a smart, professional woman, and just because she sings songs about wanting to let loose and have fun every once in a while doesn’t make her a piece of shit.

Ke$ha’s songs are meant to point out the sexism in our media. She treats men the same way many men in the music industry treat women, and she is hated on for it. Relentlessly. She sings on multiple occasions about taking charge in a sexual relationship, of how she only uses men for their body parts. She sexualizes men to make them uncomfortable. She sexualizes men for a reaction, so that people can both see why women are so uncomfortable with their sexualization and also to point out the inequality between the sexes both in the media and in the world at large.

She is judged so harshly for singing about things that make many men famous.

If you listen to Ke$ha’s deconstructed album you will see that she actually has some talent, which may be hard to hear because she does in fact use a fair amount of autotune. This is because of her genre and because of the kind of music she chooses to create as an artist. Ke$ha may not write her songs, but this doesn’t meant she isn’t a good artist or a good person. This doesn’t mean she deserves your harsh words. Some singers are good at writing, but that’s hardly a requirement. Last time I checked whether or not you can sing has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a poet.

You should not be calling anyone a piece of shit, my friend, especially someone you’ve never sat down and had a conversation (or even taken the time to wonder about her feelings!), but if anyone deserves that kind of language it’s not Ke$ha.

You may think that by shaming women for expressing their sexuality and having fun every once in a while, that you are somehow abolishing sexism. That in weeding out the less ‘deserving’ women you are gaining our sex more respect. This is not the case, and the fact that you and many others feel such a strong need to shame this woman who has done nothing wrong, especially not to you, shows that we still have a very far away to go.

she actually does write a lot of her music too.

listen to goodbye by kesha and tell me she cant sing.

(Source: falchuk, via nsfwqueens)

angua:

Vader’s Little Princess by Jeffrey Brown (via Vader’s Little Princess by Jeffrey Brown | GeekMomGeekMom)

angua:

Vader’s Little Princess by Jeffrey Brown (via Vader’s Little Princess by Jeffrey Brown | GeekMomGeekMom)

(via nerdygirllove)

(Source: nerdygirllove)

tastefullyoffensive:

Meanwhile, in Turkey… [via]

tastefullyoffensive:

Meanwhile, in Turkey… [via]

redheaded-dancer-x:

lexinicole-xoxo:

writergirl1029:

heronwoods:

sassy-asami:

thatonechick42:

perfectwrongturn:

thingswilllookup:

I saw this and it broke my heart.. 

I don’t really have words for this. This hurt to the core of my being.

My heart just sank.

This makes me so sad.

it took me two reads to understand this and then I burst into tears.

…Why do people suck?

What the fuck …..

It took me two seconds to understand this. I will never not reblog this. Everyone should do the same.

redheaded-dancer-x:

lexinicole-xoxo:

writergirl1029:

heronwoods:

sassy-asami:

thatonechick42:

perfectwrongturn:

thingswilllookup:

I saw this and it broke my heart.. 

I don’t really have words for this. This hurt to the core of my being.

My heart just sank.

This makes me so sad.

it took me two reads to understand this and then I burst into tears.

…Why do people suck?

What the fuck …..

It took me two seconds to understand this. I will never not reblog this. Everyone should do the same.

(via teaganoholloran)

Public Shaming: Racist Basketball Fans PISSED a Mexican-American Boy Dared to Sing Their National Anthem

teaganoholloran:

strugglingtobeheard:

tofuboots:

aleimina:

10 year old Mariachi singer Sebastion de la Cruz was thrust into the national spotlight last year on America’s Got Talent. Tonight, he was once again seen by the nation as he sang the national anthem at Game 3 of the NBA finals in San Antonio where the Spurs took on the Miami Heat.

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As you can see, patriotic Americans were NONE TOO PLEASED that a Mexican (don’t tell these people he’s Mexican AMERICAN) sang the United States national anthem - a song so beautiful that bald eagles usually cry whenever they hear it but not tonight because a Mexican sang it.

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“#GoHome.” He’s already home. He lives in San Antonio. The same San Antonio where the majority of the population is Mexican.

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OK THERE, “THE GREAT WHITE.”

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“I’m highly upset that THIS MEXICAN KID is singing the anthem.” lmao. Wait a few years Grace and tell us how you feel when the majority of the country is Hispanic. I look forward to hearing from you then!

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San Antonio may already be your own personal hell if that’s how you feel about Mexicans, Blake.

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Correction: YOU ain’t. All of the United States ain’t racist white males like you, Thomas.

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lmao, DESTIN WHITE. If “what has the world come to” is your reaction a little Mexican boy singing the anthem, just you wait! Hint: your world won’t be WHITE.

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And, now, for my favorite tweets: people asking why is this Mexican/illegal/foreigner/etc. singing “OUR/MY ANTHEM”…

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“Our anthem!” Our racism!

Ya’ll gonna be mighty hurt to find out 90% of Spurs fans are taco eatin’, Mexico hailin’, sometimes Spanish speakin’, definately Tex-Mex spittin’, super brown BEANERS and I couldn’t be prouder to have a tiny Mariachi be on national TV to piss all your flat-as-pancakes gringo asses off.

^^^^ this is America where we don’t even realize what Texas always was and always will be. So terrible. That child is adorable as hell

Ugh, this pisses me the fuck off. America is supposed to be a country where different ethnic backgrounds can come together. We were supposed to be that country people could come to when the one they were in was bad for them. We’re supposed to be a goddamn melting pot.

American =/= white. Americans are black, white, latino, indian, native american, asian (let’s not talk about how much we sound like hypocrites when it comes to the native Americans. Calling a little kid an illegal immigrant when we took over an already inhabited country sounds pretty fucking dumb.) Why the fuck does the fact that this kid may be Mexican make him any less American? Because guess what, if you’re judging based on that then NO ONE IS AMERICAN. Everyone came from somewhere else. I’m Irish. My family came from County Cork. I was born in America, however… as were my parents and grandparents. I’m American. 

I have a friend who was born in Russia. Her family moved to America when she was little. She’s also American.

Ugh. I hate racist elitism. It’s so stupid, and extremely unwarranted.